This One's For Me

So, remember how I use this as my journal? This one is going to be one of those posts that is strictly for me. It's not one that's being written to get sympathy, I'm not looking for people to solve my problems, or pry to find out more, this is just because I needed to write it, and I really don't keep an actual journal any more. Feel free not to read beyond this point, because it won't be very interesting, again, it's just something I needed to get out. Because as I write about it or as I talk about it, I'm able to think about it at the same time.

Anyway, I just realized that I am no longer able to cry. It's weird, and at first I was completely fine with it because crying is too time consuming and super not productive, but at the same time, it can feel so good and be such a relief to just have a good cry. But I can't do it! This week there have been plenty of times when I felt like I needed to cry, but didn't or couldn't. Life right now is stressful. I knew it would be, so that's no surprise. (Something else I've realized is that as long as I go into a tough situation with realistic expectations, I'm able to deal with it better because I've already planned on it being hard.) But for real, teaching is stressful, there are so many aspects that I have to think about- curriculum, individual students' abilities, home life, teamwork abilities, etc., all the students all at once, time management, parents, other staff, and SO SO SO much more. And aside from school, there's my dramatic living situation (where my solution has now been to ignore the problem and live my own life), and then social problems.

So, with the stresses of school, there was one particularly hard day this week where I sat down at lunch and was working on something and really felt like I needed to cry. I told myself that I couldn't because it was freaking lunch time and I was at school, and I just couldn't break down. I thought that maybe I'd go home that night and cry about it, but I got home that night and had so many other things that I had to get done that I didn't have time to cry, nor did I feel like crying would be productive. That's example number one of how I'm not able to cry, I'm too logical to have feelings any more- no, not that I don't have feelings, but I'm too logical to let my feelings take over and interrupt my life. Who would have ever thought that "Baby Brooke," who earned an "eagle" every time her sisters made her cry would ever be too logical to cry?

Second example happened this morning. Ew... I hate that this boy always does it to me. He treats me like crap, and I let him, he never remembers anything we've done together, even though we've hung out a lot and have been friends for years. Every one tells me that I just need to stop hanging out with him and I know it's true, but most of the time, I actually do enjoy my time with him. He's not ALWAYS acting like an A**. But last night I had had it. There's too much that he did wrong to blog about it, but I finally saw everything he did and it finally hit me hard enough that I'm way better than he makes me feel. Anyway, I was pretty irritated last night. And I don't want to say that I'm really mad at him, because I KNOW that's who he is (when he's around me anyway), and it's my fault too because I'm the one that wants to hang out with him, and I know what that means when I ask him over. So, it's not really that I'm mad, it's just way frustrating. Luckily I was so super tired last night that I was able to fall asleep as soon as I got home. I woke up this morning pretty down though, because I know he knows I was upset last night, but I also know that he doesn't care. All morning I've been ranting to poor Alysha about how crappy this situation is and how I've known it the whole time, but now I'm finally, I don't even know, it's like I'm finally awake to how insanely lame this whole thing is, and I'm no longer okay with the crap he pulls. While talking to Alysha, there were a few times where I felt like crying, but when I went in my room, the most that came out were two tears. I went back into her room and told her how I am not officially incapable of crying. And, I'm not sure that that's a good thing. I don't get it. In this situation I don't want to cry because he's not worth crying over. But at the same time, I was hoping that if I just got a good cry out that I would feel less stressed, and that I'd be able to cry and move on. He's out having fun with a friend today, not even letting me cross his mind once, and here I am, with PLENTY of things that I really NEED to get done, and yet I'm fuming and getting nothing accomplished. Eww (I really don't know how to spell that word, by the by).

I guess I'm just so concerned about not being able to cry because lately I've been really angry. Not about the boy situation, but about everything. I think that I think that if I am able to cry, it will soften my own heart and then I'll be less upset ALL the freaking time. I really do have a good life, and there are plenty of things going right, but it's SO easy for my mind to cling to the negative. And it's so exhausting. The end, I don't know what else to say about that. Writing it out did help me though, because the "softening the heart" thing came to me just now and that's why I wrote it, but I was hoping for some more solutions to roll around. Whatev, I'm going to read the book that I'm really enjoying but have been too busy to read. Hopefully that will distract me, add something happier into my life, and heck, if there's a sad part, like if someone dies (I don't think any one does though), maybe I'll cry about it. Maybe it's easier to cry about someone else's life than it is to cry about my own. Ooh, good idea, maybe I'll go rent a super sappy chick flick later tonight.